I hate fantasy football

Published 7:00 am Wednesday, December 3, 2014

If there were anything else in my life that made me either angry or sad 90 percent of the time, I would quit doing it. I have no idea why I have not quit playing fantasy football yet.
For those unfamiliar with this game: first of all, you are fortunate – don’t ever start playing. For those of you who have never played but are thinking about it, read the previous sentence again.
I’ve played in multiple leagues for almost 10 years. I absolutely love football, and I would not recommend this nightmare of a “hobby” to anyone. That should tell you all you need to know; but if you still feel the need to play, allow me to give you a brief synopsis of what you can look forward to.
First, you’ll draft a really awesome team full of popular, productive players and unknown stars that you’re positive are set for a “breakout” year. You will love your team. Then, the season will actually start, and one of your best players will either suffer some catastrophic injury or get arrested or suspended. Since there is no type of owner compensation for these occurrences in fantasy football, your hopes and dreams will be crushed two hours into the season. You’ll have very negative feelings about this, and then you will realize that your feelings are coming from a pretty selfish place, which will probably make you feel even worse.
If you do manage to salvage some hope from the year, then you will find yourself cheering for unusual things. If a player on your fantasy team happens to be playing your favorite team in real-life, then you will find yourself oddly conflicted. That’s when it sinks in that fantasy football is a perversion of the game you love, and once again, you’ll feel pretty bad about it. If none of that happens, and you defy all odds to win your league, then your “prize” is that you have to play again next year. Only this time, all your friends and coworkers will have placed a rather large target on your back.
So there’s my advice. I’m glad this didn’t sound too bitter.
Sincerely: A guy who missed out on the playoffs by one game after scoring more points than anyone else in his league this season. Yes, that can actually happen.

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