90 Day guarantee

Published 2:09 pm Wednesday, November 2, 2011

The world continues to turn; life is going on, although a tragic downturn of events has occurred. No one could have seen it coming, but it happened all the same. The shock and awe are just now hitting the air waves.

Kim Kardashian has filed for a divorce 72 days after her 10 million dollar epic wedding blastoff.

Oh, the tragedy. Oh, how we bought into the fairytale.

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Okay, can you read my sarcastic tone?

By day 72, let’s face it, your prince has exposed his flaws, his warts, his imperfections, and his ability to pass gas. Who wouldn’t have a few issues by then?

Weddings in the general public may also have short expiration dates, but they don’t make the 24 hour news cycle. Celebs make their mistakes and the whole world is chatting about it around the famed water coolers the next day.

Whether they did it for love, publicity, or were blinded by the glitz and glamour of romance, Kim and Kris join the Hollywood short-marriage list which is lengthy: Nicolas Cage & Lisa Marie Presley made it three months; Pamela Anderson and Kid Rock— four months; Renee Zellweger and Kenny Chesney — four months; Drew Barrymore and Tom Green — 29 days and for the record, Britney Spears and Jason Alexander whizzed through their marital bliss in 55 hours.

Isn’t it too bad that marriage doesn’t come with a 90 day guarantee?

Wedded bliss may mask serious issues the relationship has never encountered. Kim’s failure to discuss what city they would reside in apparently came up post wedding. Plus, it appears that the groom should have watched a few seasons of the reality show, Keeping up with the Kardashians to see what he was getting in to.

Unfortunately, we have an “out” clause, instead of the “till death do you part” clause, in our culture our marriages do come with a 90 day guarantee. Maybe that is why so many fold. Once things get a bit tough, and commitment should kick in, weaker characters take the easy road and exit left.

Kim’s story isn’t any different from the average Kim’s; the lesson is that a whirlwind courtship followed by a quick wedding leads to immediate regret. I know women who have stayed over 17 years before escaping a bad decision.

Instead of a divorce clause, what if you had to stay married without a way to weasel out of it. The Kim Kardashians of the world would hesitate before pulling the trigger of “I do” where the planning for the wedding ceremony lasted longer that the marriage.

Life doesn’t have guarantees. But if kids were to come with a 90 day return policy, can you imagine how full the orphanages would be?

There are recent stories in the news of Americans who adopted Russian orphans only to discover the kids are extremely difficult and they try to return them. I hope they kept the receipt.

One desperate housewife actually put a child solo on a plane to return him to Russia, without caring she was breaking the return policy. She got in trouble because Russia ain’t no Wal-Mart.

How tempted would we be? After 90 days of sleepless nights, two hour feeding chains, toxic diapers, and the lack of freedom to leave the lair, to return the tiny tots?

Thankfully, about that time, they begin to smile and have little personalities that endear us again.

Regretfully, it’s in the teen age years that a return policy would be most advantageous.

Another great place for a 90 day guarantee in life would be in politics, such as the leader of the free world. Why not revoke his presidency if within the 90 day time period, he breaks his campaign promises. That would be an effective way to keep our presidents on course.

The 90 day is a great selling tool, to force the tempted public to give in and buy something already. They feel secure knowing they can give whatever it is back.

However, not all products come with such guarantees. Wouldn’t it be nice if you purchased an expensive automobile and decided two months later that you really can’t afford it, after you pay the insurance, tag, and upkeep costs.

What if you could return your home as well? As a former Realtor, I have seen a few incidents of buyer’s remorse; especially, when not all is revealed in the contract. Thankfully Mississippi does have some protection in which the seller must reveal his hand in the conditions of the house.

However, in Alabama, they have no such protection and you can keep mum about the fact that when it rains it pours through the electrical outlets. You get to discover that after you have moved in and the first rain cloud hits.

The fact is, life doesn’t come with guarantees. Life is a gamble. You never know how it will turn out. We grasp for health, happiness and love, and sometimes our choices stick.

Sometimes we are so eager for the happily ever after that we grab the first willing body and force the ending.

You have to roll the dice, stay committed and know that not every day will a marriage be easy, but the most important ingredient is finding someone to stay in it and work with you, who wants to be with you, and can stay committed longer than a few hours, days or months.

I have chosen well in my mate and am going on 4,681 days and no end in sight. We are like a well tuned car, high mileage, garage kept, and one whose value goes up as it ages.

But then, we agreed from the beginning that there are no returns and this marriage is forever. We are keeping the blender!

Kim K. needs to return all of hers.