Bath banter and flush fashion

Published 2:43 pm Friday, May 20, 2011

I was born in the middle of the ’40s decade when only half of American homes had indoor plumbing. In fact, I remember the big wash tubs for bathing and the outside privy at my grandparents’ home in Iuka, Mississippi; I remember the chamber pot at the foot of the bed when we stayed at Granny and Granddaddy’s during numerous visits; I also remember when they remodeled their house in order to add a real bathroom. There was great celebration in the northeast corner of Mississippi on that glorious inauguration day!

Ahh, the bathroom — that most blessed domestic area of privacy and retreat — the room wherein we Americans are prone to spend an average 12,000 hours during our lifetimes, reflecting, flossing and flushing.

Perhaps readers are astounded, as am I, by 21st century bathrooms. Heretofore content with a lavatory, a tub/shower, a potty and a small linen closet, I now realize this basic line-up of bath necessities is passé, incomplete and lacking in technological gizmos guaranteed to enrich these 720,000 minutes of my valuable time.

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Seeking to research the subject in order to educate us all about this important cultural trend toward fancy fittings in the bath, I discovered a wealth of information at www., web site of the Ohio-based RotoRooter Plumbing Company.

Oh my. I am dizzy with the possibilities. For example, we can now get color fusion showers with a cascade of rainbow colored water. How refreshing is that? And for pure pleasure as you soak, ask your plumber or builder about the illuminated bathtub. It’s electrifying but safe.

Not to forget the esteemed “water closet,” check out the foot-activated toilet seat lifter or the Fish ’n Flush Toilet Tank Aquarium. Nope, I didn’t stutter. The back of your commode can be a real live aquarium. Don’t ask me how; the ad says the thing is easy to install and we just add gravel, fish and water.

But get ready for this: We too can have the latest in toilet tech if we order the “Pimped-out John” at the RotoRooter site. Believe me, this is no ordinary potty.

This “john” is equipped with all kinds of robotic arms and attachments that hold marvelous accoutrements including a flat screen TV, a TIVO recorder and DVD player, an automatic paper roller and magazine rack, an Avanti refrigerator, a laptop computer, large magnifying mirror, an Xbox and an Ipod (not sure what they are, but they’re there), and a cordless telephone. There’s an automatic beer dispenser and a warmer for your non-tipping coffee cup; the beverage holders are beside the emergency button (which is for what, do you think?).

In front of this equipage are some stirrup-like things for leg exercising (I guess). To top it off, literally, the toilet lid is covered with an interesting lime fur that gives a touch of vivid color and flair to the whole shebang.

Problem is, your bathroom may not have room for it. “The Pimped-out John will not fit in every bathroom,” they warn. No kidding — one look and I knew this giant flusher needed an NBA arena.

A platform 48 inches high is required. Can you imagine vaulting that to get to the throne?  How inconvenient to be pierced by the robotic arms or tangled in the stirrups! Mission would not be accomplished, which eureka! explains the emergency button.

No, I’ll stick to my modest sanctum with a plain ol’ shower, fluffy towels and an old-fashioned potty. No fish. No Ipod. And definitely no fuzzy lime lid. A bit of whim-wham is okay but I balk at gaudy.

Good grief, what’s next?