A Royal Soap Opera

Published 3:41 pm Wednesday, April 27, 2011

A Royal Soap Opera

Have you heard? Someone’s getting married in merry ol’ England?

Of course, the media is smothering the airwaves with every detail from ancient customs, who did not get invited, and probably what ply the toilet paper is in the royal bathrooms!

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I don’t know about you, but I am so over the royal wedding thing. I bought into the last one and instead of fairy tales I got “Days of Our Lives” the British version.

I’m still waiting for Princess Di to return with a case of amnesia.

I am not the young, naïve dreamy girl that was absorbed with the royal wedding of Princess Di and Prince Charles. After all, I believed in the fairy tale “happily ever after” that was being marketed.

All I got for my trouble was enough drama for a country song. Who’s cheatin’ with who? Divorce wars and a meddling Mom-in-law!

In my opinion, Princess Di kissed a prince and got a frog.

During the 1980’s version, I was a young lady planning a wedding and was heavily influenced not only by the British Royals but our very own television royals— Luke and Laura.

Between General Hospital putting on a giant, extravagant wedding for their make believe couple and the royal wedding in 1981, the era of big, splashy megaweddings became the norm.

The cost of an ordinary couple’s nuptials grew to new heights. Young lovers now had to put on a production when they tied the knot. Instead of keeping up with the Jones’s, it was keeping up with the soap operas!

Today, everyone needs to scale back their nuptials. Frugality is the new trend. Kate being a commoner, has brought a thriftiness to the royalness. Her invitation list reflects her status in the world. She invites butchers while the Queen invites Leaders of countries that butcher.

Even though they are toning it down, this wedding will probably be the most expensive ever. According to reports, it is costing the English citizens 50 billion dollars.

I wonder if they have the Vegas option. You know, where the father offers the amount it will cost him to put on a lavish wedding or cash for the couple if they elope. Personally, I would settle for a few billion British pounds and let Fake Elvis marry me.

The reason for much of the high price has to do with security issues. To up the drama— just like a good soap opera plot, there is danger. Several terrorist groups have decided that this would be a great opportunity to make a statement.

Like watching Nascar for the wrecks, wedding watchers will be tuning in for the possibility of witnessing an incident.

Thankfully, the fever pitch of wedding watchers will peak this week; next week we will be watching for signs the marriage is in trouble or if Kate has a baby bump.

Since America doesn’t really have royalty, we use Celebrities instead. Does that mean Donald Trump would be our king? “The Donald” could become our next leader if you listen to the media hype and very early polls that show him with high numbers.

If he does become leader of the free world, I hope he uses his best talent and fires the bunch of idiots on the hill that got us in this economic mess.

Who would be Queen? Oprah? Barbara Walters? Lady Gaga?

The world has gone wacky. This wedding has brought out commercialism like never before. Even though the ceremony will cost the country of England mega bucks, it also is an economic boost for all the folks making money from the royal couple. Souvenirs with Kate and Williams image are on everything from ashtrays, toilet seat covers, tea bags, to condoms.

Forgive me for my cynicism. If you are all a twitter for the royal wedding of William and Kate, then by all means get up bright and early Friday to enjoy the pomp and circumstances. It promises to be an entertaining show.

I will sleep as late as I can, turn on Good Morning America and be forced to participate as I get the twins ready for school. I wish the couple the best, even if I am not vested in their romance.

When it comes down to it, when you pull back all the royal rules, British media, and glitter and blitz of the old money away, you are left with a young, good looking couple who are in love. Although it seems the world is pulling for them now, it won’t be long until the press will turn on them as they try to blow up every juicy detail of rumor out of proportion.

This is not a soap opera filled with fake walls, fake vows, and plastic actors, this is flesh and blood people who are trying to live their lives among the hardest of circumstances. We can only hope for a happily ever after for the royal couple and not a tragic ending like their predecessors’.

God save the future Queen from the microscope that she will be placed under.

Tracy Williams is a syndicated columnist and can be reached via Face book at My Hometown Column.