Finally the ‘Finallys’

Published 12:27 am Thursday, May 21, 2009

My eyes are bleary, my limbs are dragging, and my mind is mush all because I’ve lost sleep trying to stuff in every single TV finale series for the past week. The hype, the drama, the result shows, oh my! It is that time of the year when the finales have invaded my life and then leave me empty.

For months these shows, especially the reality ones, are marching toward the finale, teasing us with storylines, or who will be the last one standing and we watch and wait. Our conversations with our coworkers, family, friends, and even our Facebook status lines are all colored with the latest developments of our television life. Can we have conversations now that it’s all over? Will there be a void of nothing?

It began last Sunday night, as I watched the winners cross the finish line on “Amazing Race” and I felt a sense of let down. This show more than any other makes me nervous when I watch it, it’s so fast paced and my adrenaline flows right along with the contestants. So, as it ended, it was like a big release of energy. I deflated.

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The beginning of the end had begun.

After three long painful hours of “Celebrity Apprentice,” I wanted to fire the Trumpster because I had kept the midnight oil burning all for an unsatisfying ending. I am not a fan of rude, nasty mouthed, paranoid people, no matter if they are celebs or my family members.

Oh, but wait, I still had “Big Bang Theory,” “Castle,” “Grey’s Anatomy” and “LOST” to get through during the week and “Desperate Housewives,” “Dancing with the Stars,” “Survivor,” and “American Idol” to complete before the final finale!

What will I do once the dust has settled? Will I put down the Tivo remote control and go outside now? Can I now get to bed before 11 p.m.?

Will my curiosity be quenched knowing that Izzie and George are probably dead, Susan may be back with the sexy plumber and all of the LOST characters I love will either be killed by the hydrogen bomb or reset through time travel? Whoa!

Then I realized, there are other people in my house. Look, children are playing, my husband is sitting next to me on the sofa and we have a cute little puppy. They are all in my life and I did not realize it because I have been involved in my television obsession. How did that happen?

I could tell you all about Kris and Adam from “American Idol” but what about my son Zach performing on the American Idol stage in Orlando? My real life is thankfully now invading my reality TV life.

The last finale in my “real” existence will be school coming to its end. What will I do now? No television shows to watch and my kids staring at me for attention? Will I have to talk to them rather than yell or cry at the tube? Must I do other things such as read a book or play board games with my family? Do I become a real mother now?

But wait! I have figured it out. How to blend in both, besides going on the “Supernanny,” I can recreate some of my favorite television shows at home for the summer break.

I will put the twins in the back yard and tell them for 30 days they are to survive on bugs, dirt and grime and personal relationship drama. After which, one will win immunity and the other will be voted off the island.

I will work hard on rejuvenating my aging self through hormone replacement, plastic surgery, and prayer integrating my favorite show “LOST” since the only way I can be successful is through time travel. I will flash back to the 70s and relive the disco period and discover my firm and skinny self!

My husband will continue to work for NASA and hopefully, by the end of the summer season, through work scenarios and boardroom discussions, will still be hired.

Zach has already fulfilled the “American Idol” recreation but can now add the “Big Bang Theory” because he is surrounded by “Star Wars” fans who love comics, being brainy and “Star Trek.”

I am always a desperate housewife and have a few friends now that will help me assemble our own adaptation, but I guarantee that if I come up pregnant with another set of twins like Lynette on the ABC drama slash comedy, there will be a need for a version of “The Williams 48 Hours Crime Scene Investigation” because I might kill my husband. Just saying.

My “desperate wives” cohorts are a Methodist minister’s wife, “Roxanne,” and a former Air Force lady, “Jill,” who is a mother of two. Neither have any similarities to the wacky Wisteria Lane versions except that they are beautiful 40-year-old women.

As for “Grey’s Anatomy,” I have already been in the ER in the last week and can foresee many more trips in the future. However, McDreamy and/or McSteamy have yet to make an appearance. Me thinks I will keep the McHubby.

I am always in an amazing race. My whole life is a flash of rush here to rush there, to get this done and finish as much as I can because I got something else to do or somewhere else to be! The only difference is that I don’t have to deal with confused taxi cab drivers.

Yes, life is a race, a season, a reality replay and eventually everyone will have their own two-hour finale that will either tie up all the loose ends or kill someone off. Rarely, do you get a million dollars or a trophy.

Tracy Williams is a guest columnist and can be reached at