Where O’ where have my hormones gone?

Published 11:16 pm Tuesday, March 31, 2009

As the explorers continue to explore the crevices of the world via isolated islands, deep dark jungles, and tiny microscopic playgrounds for the fountain of youth we women will continue to purchase anti-aging beauty products, inject our faces with heaven knows what to plump them up or cut and stretch them until our faces are attached to our bottoms.

During my workouts to keep my older body in shape, because women lose muscle as they grow older, I noticed on the televisions playing all around me that the same actors and actresses are still playing the same characters on all my old soap operas. Except, they all have tight expressionless faces that shine unnaturally and seem more swollen than full. Some even have the same hair styles! Yet, they are shadows of their former self, kind of like a Halloween mask of their former faces. It’s scary and I am taking note of their fight to stay young.

I can’t pull the trigger on plastic faces! It’s like a good episode of the “Twilight Zone.” Not for me!

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No woman wants to grow old gracefully and if they say so they are fooling themselves. Vanity is entrenched deep into our genetic makeup. If a woman gives up the fight, that is another thing, but if she has the capability to redirect her lines and thickening body and thinning hair, she will.

Once upon a time, I was mere young girl, innocent of all the bad things my poor little body would suffer and, yes, ignorance is bliss. For if I had known what childbirth, breastfeeding and the depletion of hormones would do to me as I matured I may have chosen to donate my organs to science at 20.

Men you need to continue reading! You are surrounded by women. You have a need to know the raging demon that wars within a woman’s interior. Knowledge should be put to a good use. In this case, ignorance may not be bliss.

Besides, hormones aren’t just for women anymore. We all have them (or the lack of them) and we all need hormonal balance to sustain a peaceful and harmonious existence whether they are yours or your significant others.

What has gotten me on a hormonal tear? Hormones! And the lack thereof! Seriously, I knew I would lose them but no one told me I could get them back? No one told me that there are ways of replacing what God intended to fade! Possibly God meant for us to figure it out — and who has He chosen as his modern day Moses? Chrissy from “Three’s Company!”

The truth she preaches is that I don’t have to suffer as my transitioning years kick in!

As my hot flashes fire up, my nights turn into roll-a-thons, and my extra poundage files for homestead exemption I have seen the light at the end of the tunnel and her name is Suzanne Summers!

She is the guru of hormonal utopia and I am drinking the Kool-aid! Women there might be a different path to our golden years and it may be a whole lot more fun than the one our grandma’s had! Men, don’t check your hat at the door of all this hormone talk because you too could benefit from hormone replacement either by balancing your own testosterone juices or having your female partner transform from a screaming menopausal shrew to… Suzanne Summers!

For too long we have accepted the common practice of doctors who take the prescribed road of normalcy and stay in their boxes of what has been taught. Today there are other options and the bandwagon is growing by changed women all around the world. Normal is normal no longer.

If you have your hormone levels tested and the doctor says that the levels are normal then what the doctor is really saying, “normal for someone your age!” We don’t want 50-year-old hormone levels; we want 35-year-old levels!

Yes sisters! I can hear my fading eggs crying out for mercy! I know the times they are a changing but I vow before my column audience that I will go kicking and screaming until my last day. If I can go to a doctor that will test me, raise my estrogen or lower my testosterone to get me back to my glory days then I am taking the chance.

I am not naïve. I am not afraid to grow old. I just want to feel better. I want my body to do what it did ten years ago! I want to sleep through a whole night!

I am not the kind of person who watches info-commercials and then has to buy the product. I am not buying swamp land in Florida. I am not sending money to tall haired television preachers! I am a researcher, a curious seeker and I will take the path cautiously and safely.

Women need to know that there are alternatives to just feeling old.

The frightening statistics show women are having hysterectomies at alarming rates and the common promotion of taking all the pipes out is “Well, we are going to be in there so why not take the whole plumbing out.” Do you know that it is not always the best solution? Do you know what happens to your body after this procedure? Do you know the risks? Many women blindly go to their surgeries without a real clue.

After years of tricking our young bodies into menopause by taking birth control pills we expect nature to take its course when we have manipulated it for decades. Is this synthetic intervention good for our female bodies? Are the standard hormone replacements safe when their possible side effects include cancer! Does one pill fit all hormone replacement work? Does my hormone need equal that of Oprah’s? You be the judge.

I know my face will begin to crack but do I have to lose my mind too? Can’t I have good quality of life for as long as possible? Shouldn’t we try?

What if Suzanne Summers is on to something? What if the many books I have read by qualified doctors who praise this method of natural hormone replacement for men and women are correct? Then we truly have our hand on the fountain of youth and all we need to do is stick our hand in the pool and drink, or in this case, smooth on a lotion that takes our witchy woman attitude to the Love Boat extravaganza.

If Chrissy Snow is wrong then what have I lost? Because what if she is right?

Hallelujah! Amen.

Tracy Williams is a guest columnist that can be reached at her website: myhometowncolumn.com