No excuses for inept murdering

Published 2:07 pm Wednesday, March 18, 2009

I could understand 20 years ago, criminals doing their thieving and murdering without fear of getting caught because they put in a little extra time into their scheme, paying attention to details and pulling off their goal of the perfect crime. With a little know how and smarts, they could get away with murder.

Times they are a changing.

In those days of the who-dunit, the skills of the investigator were crude, simple and time consuming. But not today in our instant gratification crime war, we wrap up murder like a trip to the grocery store, we are in and out and we get what we came for.

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Murder in primetime is an epidemic and as a potential crime victim we better be aware of all the preventive training that is being taught. You hear something in the night, don’t investigate. You notice someone following you; don’t go to a dark parking garage. Your boyfriend threatens to kill you while beating you up… don’t go back to him!

While murderers should be smarter, so should potential murder victims! We should be murder-proofed! If a creepy phone call followed by a creepy note doesn’t make you buy a gallon of mace then you haven’t been watching enough crime filled television shows.

Thanks to “CSI,” “CSI NY,” “CSI Miami” and probably coming soon to a television screen near you “CSI Picayune,” and other forensic, murder driven shows like “48 Hours,” “Cold Case,” “The Mentalist,” and my new favorite, “Castle,” people are dropping like flies all across the nation.

Thankfully, on primetime, the bad guys always get caught. No matter how detail oriented the killer has become the cops, the investigators, the journalists, the coroners, the psychics, the suspense novel writers and, probably in the works, the janitors, are all out to catch the bad guy through special skills, new science and talent. Plus, they look sexy and make great comments while doing so.

So why do real bad guys not get it? Why is there still inept murdering going on in the United States? For example, Vince Marinello in New Orleans. Who didn’t grow up watching Vince on the news? You think at 70 years old, a lifetime of news work on his resume and recent years of watching “How to get caught” murder TV shows, that the man would have enough smarts to get away with killing his wife. Yet, instead of studying the perfect murder slip ups or how the cops work — such as in one of my favorites “48 Hours” where we follow exactly what investigators do in the first 48 hours after a murder has been committed — that Vince would have known how to carry out at least a semi perfect murder.

His attempt was not even good enough to use for a television show. He used a disguise, such as the standard mustache, — so overused and so predictable — he rode a bike to the scene of the murder, — surveillance cameras caught the suspect putting a bike into a car like Vince’s — shot his wife with expensive, out of the ordinary bullets — very traceable — and drove to Jackson for an alibi with friends who, when questioned, realized he was a little late.

It might have worked too since the late Sheriff Harry Lee was a good friend of his and may have not followed through on his investigation. BUT, the unskilled, should have known better Vince left a checklist in his FEMA trailer. DAH!

Let’s see, I am going to murder my soon to be ex-wife and I have extreme motive and I make a murder checklist: Mustache, check, bullets, check, alibi, check, stupid, CHECK. How can anyone today be so inept at murder?

Add surveillance cameras everywhere plus highly skilled forensics that can tell if you sneezed on a Tuesday near a subway! Murdering techniques must keep up with the times. No more shooting the victim and sticking the gun in their hand like in the old days to make it look like a suicide. Nope. Times they are a changing.

To get away with murder these days you have to be smarter than the science. I am thinking that murderers should rethink their abilities and try new ways of solving their problems. Instead of killing your wife, why not try divorce. Yes, it’s costly, but in the end you get to go to the restroom in a normal facility without making it a viewing event and you get to see the sunlight on a regular basis. That has to be better than the alternative.

Instead of covering up your criminal behavior, don’t murder the person who can turn you in, why not run away to an unknown island in the Pacific, you might bump into some sexy ABC actors while you are there.

Remember only the good die young so if you choose to murder, you will have a long life of Life in prison. Now that can’t be a solid retirement plan.

But if you must do the crime, then at least pay attention to television plots and investigator techniques. You must go through Murder 101 if you feel the need to do the deed.

However, I have not seen a single murderer get away with the crime. Hmm. Me thinks it is better to not murder at all. Kill them with kindness instead.

Tracy Williams is a guest columnist and can be reached at her website: