I killed the hair dryer

Published 12:30 am Wednesday, January 21, 2009

It was self defense. It tried to do me in first… and then I finished the job. I murdered the hair dryer. I have no regrets.

After years of hair dryer abuse, I got back at the evil appliance which, at the end of its reign of terror on my hair, went too far and in its dementia state tried to kill me by bursting into flames while I used it. Was it an attempt to burn me alive or execute me through electrical current? Whatever its fiendish murder plot, it was unsuccessful.

I was shocked as flames and the stench of burning hair interrupted my normal routine. My quick thinking saved my life as I was too smart for the killing machine and immediately ran through my house to the back deck where a plant container was still full of rain water and in self defense I drowned the hair dryer.

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Can you believe it? It actually tried to murder me? What did I ever do to it?

Was this retaliation of all the hours of use? But isn’t that what blow dryers do? Blow dry hair? Granted, blow drying my hair which is naturally curly and frizzy into a straight style has taken its toll on the health of my hair, but I never knew the appliance held a grudge and had plotted my demise.

Back at the crime scene, the smell was horrendous; I tried to air out the bathroom. As I did, I looked into the mirror at my half dried hair and then the panic hit me — how could I live without a dryer? How could I go out in public with half-baked hair? I didn’t have time to rewet it and let it dry naturally.

Then I remembered! I have a back up somewhere and so I searched for the back up hair dryer and prayed it was in a good mood. It was, and the deed was finished without incident.

Except, the old hair dryer was just a plain cheap device with no bells and whistles. One look at my overly frizzy and fluffy hair gave me reason to cancel all other tasks for the day; I had to go hair dryer shopping. Forget bill paying, working out for my health, shopping for food for my family, and saving my budget money by hitting the liquidating Goody’s store. My priorities had changed! Beauty came above all else — after all I am a Southern lady.

But first, I must search the information highway for the best deal and the best product for my hard to deal with hair… and, of course, a product under thirty dollars. We are in tough economic times, and although I want the $200 version, my pocket book demands keeping the spending down.

As I wrote down my credentials for the next dryer, I began to relive all those machine versus man movies I had seen. You know the ones, Christine the killer car, and scary house movies where the evil house took on a personality and decided to kill its inhabitants. Besides cars and houses, the Terminator movies and endless others had computers taking over humanity and exterminating us. Or toys that came to life and tried to stab us when we weren’t looking. Yikes! Could this be the start? Had I developed a fear of hair dryers now?

I have read that hair dryers have been used in the past for murderous deeds such as the case of the woman taking a bath and the evil psychopath husband who drops the appliance in the bath water thereby electrocuting his victim. Beware of husbands who offer to dry your hair while you are letting Calgon take you away because you might not come back!

With frizzy hair I went out on my task and by the end of the day, I had in my possession the ionic technology, tourmaline engine ceramic 1875-watt hair dryer with several settings and a cool shot button all for $24.74. It had everything I needed to make the day a better hair day, God knows, I get very few of those.

The new dryer shows no sign of evil intent and actually after using it one time, I am very impressed with its abilities. We are beginning our journey with peace and good tidings.

As for the murderer, after its execution by water, I allowed it to freeze to death just for good measure.

Die evil hair dryer… die.

Tracy Williams is a guest columnist and can be reached at myhometown@comcast.net