The Divided States of America

Published 2:29 pm Wednesday, November 5, 2008

By the time this column prints, we will know the direction of our country’s future. The deal will have been done. Exclamation Point!

Glad that’s over… or is it? For all I know, today we awaken to another mystery president like with Bush and Gore… please note, if this happens, I may not survive the trauma of the drama and I vow to move to Switzerland where no one takes sides.

Time out! Its back to fighting over the good stuff like football teams and American Idol contestants! We must start the process of bringing the Divided States of America into one happy family of various shapes, sizes, and opinions. Can we?

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We made it through the battle of the two David’s (Cook vs. Archuleta) without a riot or a meltdown of the masses.

The View ladies do it all the time, they shout at each other, argue, disagree, all in female cat fight fashion and then after the television show they are all best friends!

Reminds me of the wrestling match I took my brother to when he was a kid. My friend was the bell ringer and we were allowed to stay at ringside after the match. After a bloody brawl in the cage match, both the good guy and the bad guy exited the arena all buddied up. Imagine, a few minutes earlier they were practically killing each other and now they appeared as if they were going for a beer afterwards. Yep, reminds me of the View.

I know what you are thinking. Now that all the bickering, finger-pointing, name calling is over what will we do to fill up our days? Especially now that Britney has pulled it all together, Lohan and Hilton are boring, and Madonna’s mid-life crisis is just more sad than interesting. What will bored American’s do?

We must find a way to become united again, to be the United States of America as our name states. But what will it take?

Fearfully, the last moment in history we pulled together was on September 11th. Can we bypass a terrorist attack please?

It has been thrown around during the grueling campaign months that our new president may be challenged by the dangerous powers of the world. There is a ring of truth to that. Bush was tested in his first year. Let us work on coming together without death and destruction.

Patriotism is a lot like brotherhood. Left alone, my twins eventually began fighting, bickering, and a power struggle ensues. But, bring in another kid who may push too hard and the boys unite and take out the new kid.

Does our country fight among ourselves but shut up when it comes time to be united? History reveals the trend.

My hope is we are just a large family that can ‘cuss and discuss but can still sit at the dinner table as a family. After all, my number one son is voting differently than me and I am still speaking to him and he with me.

Sports and politics are much alike as well. I have friends that are for the other team. I now live among Atlanta Falcon and Tennessee Titan fans and yet I am still connected to my Saints. We disagree passionately all the time but pull it back when needed. I will feel safe walking around my town this Saturday when LSU and Alabama go head to head. Forget red and blue states, there are more colors to fight over in this country.

Do you think it could be that our election process encourages us to be polarized? Are we really happy with the way we pick nominees from our parties? May I complain briefly, because it seems to me this very long, drawn out campaign starts to wear on our collective country’s nerve. The power struggle between the two parties reminds me of a tug-of-war in which no matter who wins we all end up in the mud pit.

My solution is to simplify the nomination process by shortening it; by allowing candidates a brief period of campaigning and then on one specified day allow the nominee voting to take place so that Iowa or some lone state will not influence the nation with its choice. What’s good for the Carolinas may not be the same for Mississippi.

But what if Mississippi led the nation in choosing the presidential nominees — what would that look like?

After all, California elects Hollywood actors because that is where most of them reside. If we put up our actors from Mississippi it would mean a political ticket with Morgan Freeman and Faith Hill. (Oprah said she wouldn’t run.)

If we had to, we could nominate from our great Mississippi football players. How about Farve for president in 2012? Of course that means he would have to retire from football soon to begin the process.

It is the day after and life can go on without political mayhem. All we have to do is brag a bit because our guy won and then wait for the “I told you so’s” when he really messes up the future of our country! But only idiots wish the new president bad since we also pay for it if he does badly.

Regardless of who won, I heard it suggested people take their signs out of their yard and off their cars because of the backlash. Again, like in sports, riots take place after the World Series etcetera.

I believe taking down the paraphernalia is a great idea anyway. Campaigning is over. It is time to get behind the person who wins and work together to make this country great.

Nevertheless, this painful process has ended. You know what that means? It’s almost time to start the next one.

Switzerland is starting to sound better all the time. What am I talking about? I love this great dysfunctional country… divided or undivided!