Happiness is an ugly husband?

Published 4:24 pm Wednesday, March 26, 2008

Now “they” say a happy marriage is a woman with an ugly husband. Well if so, then let me be miserable with George Clooney! Or Doctor McSteamy!

Or McDreamy!

If I have to sacrifice myself, I will. Doom me to have to wake up every day and look at one of those guys. That’s totally depressing! For them maybe!

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It’s hard to be considered the ugly one in the relationship.

All this time, I thought a happy woman was married to a rich husband, who knew it had more to do with his face rather than his bank account.

What does ugly got to do with it? Dumb is good. Rich is good. But ugly? What does a handsome husband mean? Why are you doomed to despair?

What if your husband is better looking than you are but you both are considered attractive? How does that figure in the happiness scale if neither is ugly?

I vaguely remember another study many years ago that stated ugly men made better lovers so could that have something to do with it? A country song mentioned that older women made good lovers but does former First Lady Barbara Bush seem sexy to you? Or Joan Rivers?

What’s the study got to say about husbands who have trophy wives? They were right all along?

The “Study De Jour” says, “Psychologists who studied newlyweds found men who were better-looking than their wives were more likely to be unhappy and have negative feelings about their marriage.”

Tracy says, “Men who are married to uglier wives could care less because they are probably in love with themselves anyway!” A man who is consumed with being good looking does nothing for me. Give me accidentally sexy!

But let us examine the study….its not just about having an ugly husband, but one that is uglier than you…so if you are a ten on the beauty scale you can pick and chose just about anyone….but what if you are on the one or two end of the scale? Slim pickens you might think. But, men do ugly very well. At least women dress it up a bit, make-up covers a multitude of ugly, clothes, plastic surgery — draw the attention away from the face! As I always say, you can fix ugly.

Men, are out of luck. Many lose their hair, their shoulders sink to their bellies and they forget how to dress to enhance themselves…for example, dress socks and shorts, yuck.

I am still confused by the findings. Should I tell my four sons to look only at the ugly girls?

I put this “ugly” test to the Celeb world to see how it works in the arena of beautiful people. Beautiful females like Brittany marry not so attracted men, like Kevin Federline. Did not work out. Richie Sambora married Heather Locklear, ugly rock star meets blonde beauty…. did not work out. Back in history, the ultimate beauty and the beast wedding was Joe Dimaggio and Marilyn Monroe….did not work out. That short lived marriage was reinvented when Julia Roberts wed Lyle Lovett. Again, did not work out. Save the world do gooder and seductive beauty Angelina Jolie was married to Sling Blade, Billy Bob Thorton. She had to erase her tattoo ‘cause it didn’t work out.

Before you think that the ugly husbands study is junk there are a couple of examples of married couples in Hollywood that appear successful. Christina Aguilera is still married and has procreated with her very ugly spouse, Jordan Bratman while very desperate housewife Felicity Huffman has a solid union with William H. Macy, a not so good looking man.

No wonder George Clooney isn’t married….he only dates attractive women.

This is the part where I personalize my views, but man! I can only get in trouble at this point. First, I am not allowed to write about my husband unless I have his permission. I can’t figure why? What is he afraid of?

Second, if I say I am happily married, as a reader you must assume my husband is uglier than me. I am ok with that, but what if he reads my column or his mother reads it? No way to win.

Third, my friends have already told me what a handsome husband I have, so that either leaves me in a miserable marriage or my friends are liars.

Fourth, if by chance I am better looking than my husband, then I am doomed and depressed because of a study that tells me my husband is unhappy.

Woe, is me.

If you know any psychologists, ask them if they are happily married and did they marry below their number?

As for me, I am not listening to all the absurd studies that keep coming out every day messing with my mind. My personal study proves that studies are bad.

One good thing can happen. Ladies, if you are still single, don’t quickly dismiss Mr. Nerdy guy who is challenged in the looks department. He might make you the happiest girl in the world.

Where was Don Knotts when I was single? I could have been so happy!