Grandma’s Catalog

Published 9:23 pm Wednesday, November 14, 2007

Have you ever received in the mail one of those catalogs that has all kinds of stuff for sale mostly items your grandparents would buy? I call it a grandma’s catalog because the merchandise displayed page after page is mainly items an elderly person would purchase, or has already, like girdles, hearing aids, and liniments.

It is truly amazing what you can buy in one of these things. Try Dr. Leonard’s, a healthcare catalog which for some strange reason arrived at my door. Is someone trying to tell me something, like maybe I need to start stocking up on senior citizen paraphernalia? Is it time yet? Am I sliding over the slope of the hill?

You’ve seen these glossy catalogs which always specialize in undergarments, those body shape girdles to squeeze in what doughnuts have spread out. They got real full figure bras that fasten with dozens of reinforced hooks and in a special eye catching box advertises that it comes in sizes up to 56DDD.

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At first glance, many of the items appear to be about comfort, like the Dr. Scholls shoes that are not as fashionable but sure could take you a few extra miles. The fleece cover for your recliner and the urine gone product which effectively removes new and old urine stains from surfaces are on the same page. (Let’s assume that it’s for pets.)

Electronics that are hard to find are also in the catalog, such as a record player which plays your favorite 33 1/3, 45 and 78 RPM records…or albums. Can you imagine one of our teens getting a hold of that and trying to play a CD on it? Nothing like the skip and scratch sound of a good LP! I actually miss that.

Miracle drugs for those who are worried about aging are also included, such as instant face lift. It can make you look years younger in minutes, it states, no need for surgery, injections or painful procedures. Is this a good ideal? To sell plastic surgery replacement products?

You can turn to page 22 and transplant hair in 30 seconds by shaking tiny hair fibers over your thinning spots or clean out your colon with a pill. Across the page, you find surgical steel sharp scissors specially designed to cut the toughest toenails easily.

Keep looking and you find toilet seat risers. What are they used for? For the days when rising from the throne is hard to do, this keeps you two inches higher from the fray.

As you get closer to the end of the catalog, it is obvious that there is an ‘adult’ section included in the book. It stands out with products to enhance, enlarge, and other things we just can’t mention, but it’s in grandma’s catalog. It advertises videos that can instruct or remind those about more intimate activities. But never fear, one page over brings you the easy to read Large Print Bible in the deluxe King James Version. Oh, and don’t forget the nude aerobics video when you turn to the following page.

Senior citizens sure do have a lot of help aids, like the attachment for canes so that you can walk in snow and ice, denture repair kits, incontinence systems, and a nice basket for your walker. Items us younglings never think we will ever need. We must stay in denial for as long as we can.

We need our own catalog, for the not quite there yet group, with helpful products for those of us in the fast lane, rat race, children challenged life we live in.

Products like Super Industrial Calgon bubbles that repels children. Every time I try to let Calgon take me away I have to listen to a knock on the door, a question, a fight outside the door, and a whiney voice asking how long am I gonna be?

What about toilet seat hydraulic suspensions that lower the seat whenever it has been left up by the special man in your life.

I love the miracle products for hair loss and face lifts, but what about one that replaces all the brain cells I seem to have misplaced after birthing children, or for husbands who are unable to find whatever they are looking for.

Could Dr. Scholls please provide an extremely padded and comfortable shoe that also looks like it weighs less than a pound and has a heel to it? We may need comfort but do we have to look like we are comfortable? Just like the overly supportive undergarments, just add a bit of lace and color and I’m there. Victoria Secret all support system with ribbons and lace but fully functional. Now that would sell in a not so old grandma catalog.

Now, the Wart, Mole, and Liver Spot Cream might be a seller for us younger folks if it were marketed a little differently, like not mentioning the fact about warts, moles, and liver spots.

Instead of devices to raise you out of chairs and beds, we in the prime of our lives, need devices to raise our children out of their beds and chairs. Cattle prods could be packaged, renamed and sold to parents tired of dragging their offspring from leisure positions. Maybe ‘Off your lazy butt pad” would suffice for a title. Guaranteed to lift the bottom and stand it erect, just requires a couple double AA batteries for the tiny charge of electricity. Of course, if your child is fighting childhood obesity, we can also add an extra setting for the larger dexterior.

We could use some energy pill that keeps us going and going and going like the Bunny. I’ll buy that miracle drug.

But for now, I will glance through grandma’s catalog and be thankful I am not there yet. But my body keeps saying as if it were a kid in the back seat, “Are we there yet? Are we there yet?” Some days I’m not sure. It does not help that the twins are fixated on being old and ask every day, every morning in stereo, are you old yet? Will you be old in five minutes? Are you going to get old and die?

Between catalogs arriving and the twins asking and my body declaring, I guess I must be! At least I am not a grandma …yet!