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My Hometown: If I were president

This was written in 2004 and since I am sick and tired, I decided to run it again but with revision of course. I will consider running against Hillary if I get enough positive feedback. The world is in your hands.

As president of the United States of America, I would first let you know that I did not serve this country in a war or military service except for five weeks in South Korea in which I toured military sites singing my way through all the branches of the military, the Army, Air Force, Navy, and the ROK Army. The only suffering besides trying to eat fermented cabbage was when I had to take cold showers at a missionary’s house and the pain of not being able to go to the bathroom because they were co-ed. Now that’s painful!

As president, I would change the policy to force the president to live on the salary that is paid to him while in office. If he happens to be a billionaire, his or her assets will be put in a holding pattern so he can live on what the pres makes. Because, my husband will force me to live on what we make even if I am president. We should all live within our means no matter how mean it gets!

As president, I will make it a rule that every democratic and republican official will have to hug each other every morning before they discuss and vote on all those important ‘things’. It works for my twins after they have a fight to mend the peace, and if that doesn’t help our government play together then we will bring Barney the dinosaur into the chamber. Its our weapon against evil dictators and terrorists, it should work on senators. Be nice or the dinosaur sings!

No work no pay. If you are hired by our people through an election and make it to Washington D.C. then be prepared to work. If you do not show up and vote, then it will be docked from your pay. Just like the real world, too many absentees means ‘You fired!”

As president, I will make elected officials try out like the Apprentice reality show…weed out the bad ones. The official will be given mock trials like attending a meeting, making a presentation, and actually listening to their constituency’s concerns. If they cannot do the job properly, then they are out of there! The last one standing is elected.

It goes without saying that emailing naughty things to children will not only get you out of there, but due to a special clause in your contract that you signed at inauguration, you will be sent immediately to a Turkish prison.

My plan for debates would be as it is at home. When two disgruntled children have to explain how the furniture got broken, or the cat is green, they are put in separate corners and both sides give their story, and then as mediator, I decide who is full of boloney and who is punished. No personal snide remarks are acceptable and justice is always dealt out.

How would I deal with terrorists in the world? When there are bullies in the real world, you go to their parents, the school, and the authorities and apply pressure. If that does not work, you send big brother over to ‘deal’ with the bully. Since the U.N. needs some coaching from the SuperNanny, I will have to use my special forces to tough arm the bullies. Eventually, we will have to send Governor Arnold to terminate them.

As president, government spending would be drastically reduced. First, all hammers will be purchased through Sears or Home Depot, no more spending $500 on tools. What our government needs is a wife and mother who has to live on a budget to take over and clean house. The staff for the Congress, the Senate, and all those Secretaries of ‘Something or other’ would be cut to the bare bone.

Research grants for studying stupid stuff will immediately end. Do we really need to know the mating cycle of a worm? Or that eating too much makes you fat? Or why is the sky blue? What I pay in taxes makes me not really care why? Just read the pig book from Citizens against Government Waste. I would take this publication and began a huge garage sale on eBay.

If you are healthy enough to work, and you cannot find a job, a mandatory volunteer project will be assigned so you can contribute to your community.

I will make it illegal to eat too much fast food because of the extra cost on our healthcare system later. (Just like they are doing in NYC, outlawing transfats is the first step)

Stupid people will be quarantined. To find out if you are a stupid person, special officials will give out stupid tickets when you do something that is stupid. For example, drive too slow in the fast lane, stupid ticket; read instructions on a shampoo bottle, stupid ticket; give a teenager a compact sports car to drive or a credit card, stupid ticket; people who let their children sleep over at Michael Jackson’s house, stupid ticket; do not buckle your small children, stupid ticket; and if you watch too much TV such as Jerry Springer, Stupid Ticket! Too many tickets mean we remove you to safe farms so the stupid people of the world will not harm the rest of us.

I would make John Walsh from America’s Most Wanted, head of security for the country, Oprah as Secretary of State since everyone in the world likes her and that would give us a good public relations boost. Plus we all know she is more powerful than any government official anyway. I would put Bill Gates in charge of the treasury since he seems to make billions a day for himself, and for Vice president, I would appoint my ‘big brother bully intimidator”, Arnold the ‘Govinator’.

As president, I would cut the deficit, eliminate government waste, make everyone get along and work together, deal with the bad guys and at the end of the day, I would make this United States a happier and nicer place to live.

At least I have a plan, a goal that has nothing to do with ‘me’. I can unite our country and do it while being nice. If needed, I will use my mean mother skills and kick some political correct bottoms.

Until I am elected, we must endure the nastiness, the bias media back and forth yadda yadda yadda and the blame game. However, if you would rather bypass all that malarkey, then forget those other guys or girls.

I would be honored to serve you as I serve my family day after day after day! Do you get a day off as President? Can I hire General Franks as a babysitter? How many bathrooms does the white house have? Do the secret service chauffeur kids? What kind of dental plan does it come with?