By Fr. Jonathan Filkins

Guest Columnist 

My Dear Swampgas,

It is with the utmost affection we welcome you to our midst. The feedback, from your able instructors, reflects your ready ability to learn, and you have begun to master your tasks and assignments. As your mentor, we look forward to corresponding with you from time to time, and facilitating the effectiveness of your efforts.

Congratulations on your appointment to your new post in Picayune. You are replacing a legacy, known for phenomenal successes. While arguably a small entity for your work, it is fertile ground for our efforts and will be ideal for the perfection of your work as a novice. Keep your chin up, for we shall work through any difficulties.

Of course, one of the imperatives of being given up to Hell, is to be allegiant to the Dark One. He is most intolerant of any of his minions not consistently dedicated to conducting mayhem, distrust, avarice, greed, despair, or any other responsibility, which are outlined in your handbook. Be sure of this point. If you have lost your copy, go to that infernal “goody-goody” book, called the Bible and do exactly the opposite of what is listed there. Do not delude yourself, as the people of Picayune have a strong capacity to be what is right and avoid our ministrations.

You must stand ever vigilant to their efforts and cause them to pursue their most prurient interests. Keep them off balance with suspicion and gossip. Foment discord, ignorance, racism and intolerance. Encourage sloth on Sundays, keeping them away from the message of the Church. Have them worship possessions and the things of the earth and, in doing so, worship us.

We are well on our way of reaching the Dark One’s goal of taking many souls to him. Our efforts in recent wars are resplendent in the suffering, which we have orchestrated. Conflict, illness and starvation are rampant throughout the world. In America, our clear success is measured by crushing poverty, educational malaise and the imprisonment of so many. We are clearly winning the battle!

So, dear Swampgas, you have a long tradition and mandate to follow.

Evil is easy among these mere mortals, as they have a ready proclivity towards it. You know, all of us enjoy the pain we cause. On a small scale, your early efforts at keeping Picayune’s West Canal Street stores, mostly empty, deserves recognition. They are like missing teeth, clearly seen, and not very attractive. We like this suffering; this incompleteness. We suggest you redouble your efforts here, encouraging more budding entrepreneurs to fully invest their hearts and finances in enterprises, and then leading them to early failure.

But, beware! There are forces afoot, which wish them well and stand ready to guide and aid them in their pursuits. Rumblings have been heard about improving the look of the area and thus attracting more interest and success.

You must not allow this to happen.

We direct you to create dissention, at every level within your powers, through lies and deceit. Bring forth those who lack vision and resolve for the common good. Together we will defeat the greatness of Picayune.

Resplendent in the Darkness of Despair,

Malificent