A little help from my friends
Published 2:00 pm Friday, November 4, 2011
“Collecting quotations is an insidious, even embarrassing habit…” ~ Robert Byrne
It’s fall vacation time at my house, and I’m always appreciative when folks step up to guest write for me, like today. That means I can now go to lunch with my sisters, stay a bit longer when I visit my mom, change sheets as I anticipate a visit from one of my daughters and her family, and get in 30-45 minutes of exercise. All good.
Here, then, are observations from writers and sages wittier than I, arranged (by me) in easy alphabetical order. I hope these humorous remarks will give readers a smile or two, maybe even spurring them to copy one to put on the fridge, yes?
Adversity: “By trying we can easily learn to endure adversity. Another man’s, I mean.” — Mark Twain
Bureaucracy: “What the world really needs is more love and less paperwork.” — Pearl Bailey
Cats: “Dogs have owners; cats have staff.” — Anon.
Dating: “Watching your daughter being collected by her date feels like handing over a million dollar Stradivarius to a gorilla.” — Jim Bishop
Ego: “What kills a skunk is the publicity it gives itself.” — Abraham Lincoln
Failure: “Success isn’t permanent, and failure isn’t fatal.” — Mike Ditka
Gossip: “Live in such a way that you would not be ashamed to sell your parrot to the town gossip.” — Will Rogers
Happiness: “One of the keys to happiness is a bad memory.” — Rita Mae Brown
Indecision: “Indecision may or may not be my problem.” — Jimmy Buffett
Jury: “A jury consists of twelve persons chosen to decide who has the better lawyer.” — Robert Frost
Kisses: “People who throw kisses are mighty hopelessly lazy.” — Bob Hope
Lies: “A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.” — Sir Winston Churchill
Mistakes: “Make the same mistake twice and you’ll never get around to them all.” — Anon.
News: “The one function TV news performs very well is that when there is no news we give it to you with the same emphasis as if there were.” — David Brinkley
Obscenity: “Women should be obscene and not heard.” — Groucho Marx
Parenthood: “The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for thirty years she served the family nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found.” — Calvin Trillin
Quantity: “I must have a prodigious quantity of mind; it takes me as much as a week sometimes to make it up.” — Mark Twain
Regret: “Speak when you are angry — and you’ll make the best speech you’ll ever regret.” — Laurence J. Peter
Sisters: “Big sisters are the crab grass in the lawn of life.” — Charles Schulz
Taxes: “Income tax has made more liars out of American people than golf.” — Will Rogers
Universe: “The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.” — Harlan Ellison
Value: “Value? One man’s compost is another man’s potpourri.” — Theodore. S. Geisel
Worries: “If you can solve your problem, then what is the need of worrying? If you cannot solve it, then what is the need of worrying?” — Shantideva
X-Rays: “My doctor is wonderful. Once, when I couldn’t afford an operation, he touched up the x-rays.” — Joey Bishop
Youth: “If you want to recapture your youth, cut off his allowance.” — Red Buttons
‘Zackly: “I agree ‘zackly with Marcel Achard, who said ‘Women like silent men. They think they’re listening’” — G-Man
Thanks for giving me a break, guys. I love our beautiful autumn weather, and it’s time to go kick some leaves. This computer is OFF!
Got a favorite quotation? Send it to me at bethjacks@hotmail.com.