A little help from my friends

Published 2:00 pm Friday, November 4, 2011

“Collecting quotations is an insidious, even embarrassing habit…” ~ Robert Byrne

It’s fall vacation time at my house, and I’m always appreciative when folks step up to guest write for me, like today. That means I can now go to lunch with my sisters, stay a bit longer when I visit my mom, change sheets as I anticipate a visit from one of my daughters and her family, and get in 30-45 minutes of exercise. All good.

Here, then, are observations from writers and sages wittier than I, arranged (by me) in easy alphabetical order. I hope these humorous remarks will give readers a smile or two, maybe even spurring them to copy one to put on the fridge, yes?

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Adversity: “By trying we can easily learn to endure adversity. Another man’s, I mean.” — Mark Twain

Bureaucracy: “What the world really needs is more love and less paperwork.” — Pearl Bailey

Cats: “Dogs have owners; cats have staff.” — Anon.

Dating: “Watching your daughter being collected by her date feels like handing over a million dollar Stradivarius to a gorilla.” — Jim Bishop

Ego: “What kills a skunk is the publicity it gives itself.” — Abraham Lincoln

Failure: “Success isn’t permanent, and failure isn’t fatal.” — Mike Ditka

Gossip: “Live in such a way that you would not be ashamed to sell your parrot to the town gossip.” — Will Rogers

Happiness: “One of the keys to happiness is a bad memory.” — Rita Mae Brown

Indecision: “Indecision may or may not be my problem.” — Jimmy Buffett

Jury: “A jury consists of twelve persons chosen to decide who has the better lawyer.” — Robert Frost

Kisses: “People who throw kisses are mighty hopelessly lazy.” — Bob Hope

Lies: “A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.” — Sir Winston Churchill

Mistakes: “Make the same mistake twice and you’ll never get around to them all.” — Anon.

News: “The one function TV news performs very well is that when there is no news we give it to you with the same emphasis as if there were.” — David Brinkley

Obscenity: “Women should be obscene and not heard.” — Groucho Marx

Parenthood: “The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for thirty years she served the family nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found.” — Calvin Trillin

Quantity: “I must have a prodigious quantity of mind; it takes me as much as a week sometimes to make it up.” — Mark Twain

Regret: “Speak when you are angry — and you’ll make the best speech you’ll ever regret.” — Laurence J. Peter

Sisters: “Big sisters are the crab grass in the lawn of life.” — Charles Schulz

Taxes: “Income tax has made more liars out of American people than golf.” — Will Rogers

Universe: “The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.” — Harlan Ellison

Value: “Value? One man’s compost is another man’s potpourri.” — Theodore. S. Geisel

Worries: “If you can solve your problem, then what is the need of worrying? If you cannot solve it, then what is the need of worrying?” — Shantideva

X-Rays: “My doctor is wonderful. Once, when I couldn’t afford an operation, he touched up the x-rays.” — Joey Bishop

Youth: “If you want to recapture your youth, cut off his allowance.” — Red Buttons

‘Zackly: “I agree ‘zackly with Marcel Achard, who said ‘Women like silent men. They think they’re listening’” — G-Man                          

Thanks for giving me a break, guys. I love our beautiful autumn weather, and it’s time to go kick some leaves. This computer is OFF!

Got a favorite quotation? Send it to me at bethjacks@hotmail.com.