Published: May 22, 2008 08:25 am      

No country for old women

PICAYUNE — I learned a very valuable lesson lately….that this is a country full of older women who are striving to be healthier, fighting aging and staying active well into their twilight years and to my horror, they like to be naked at the gym! Yes. Naked. And not just a little.

I have yet to reach the prime age of my life when I can let the all ‘natural’ hang out for any one and everyone to see. At twenty, when I was at my tanned, firm and thin self, I kept it hidden away so I will be darned if by eighty, I will flop out my wrinkled, age spotted body for every female in the dressing room to see.

I truly have been harmed mentally and emotionally by what I have seen. It’s apparently no different on the men’s side either. My husband has been startled by nudeness in the men’s locker room as well.

Would I mind if the nudity came from a better looking body? Would I cringe? Would I avert my eyes? Would I feel an immediate panic to evacuate the premises? Not as much I must confess.

I have come to the conclusion from my one brief viewing of a nude beach in Florida that only the really bad physiques like to flaunt it. Except for the one time in Hawaii when at a public beach shower an absolutely quality specimen of a young man stripped down completely to wash all the sand off. Yep. That was not traumatic at all. But a naked granny is more than I care bare.

Just ask my brother Joe and my cousin Scott when they walked in the house of my grandmother who was sitting in her regular chair, two cigarettes in her hands and nothing but her socks on. They are scarred for sure.

I hope somewhere along life’s path I find it in myself to mature enough not to care that my body is aging and changing and not for the better. I think not caring will be more advantageous than trying to stay young without the benefit of thousands of dollars of plastic surgery. Acceptance is better than looking like a disfigured, swollen Cat lady with a fat lip. That’s scary.

This is most assuredly a country for old women because business is booming for miracle surgeries, facial repairs, and expensive makeup salves guarantee to take off years of life from suffering from children, husbands, jobs, and unexpected life changes.

How desperate will I get before I give up and accept what I have been given by God? How long will it take me to be thrilled with a healthy body that gets me from point A to point B?

I collected some great email sayings and famous quotes that might at least make you laugh about your aging dilemma, but try not to crinkle your eyes too much when you do or you could get crow’s feet!

Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.

I've still got it, but nobody wants to see it.

Any woman can have the body of a 21-year-old. As long as she buys him a few drinks first.

My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.

I'm getting into swing dancing. Not on purpose. Some parts of my body are just prone to swinging.

It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffeemaker.

These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, "For fast relief."

Don't think of it as getting hot flashes. Think of it as your inner child playing with matches.

Remember: You don't stop laughing because you grow old... You grow old because you stop laughing.

“Whenever a man's friends begin to compliment him about looking young, he may be sure that they think he is growing old.” Quote by Washington Irving.

“The aging process has you firmly in its grasp if you never get the urge to throw a snowball.” Quote by Doug Larson.

“Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.” Quote by Chili Davis.

“Middle age is when your age starts to show around your middle.” Quote by Bob Hope.

“The key to successful aging is to pay as little attention to it as possible.” Quote by Judith Regan.

Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.

“The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age.”

Quote by Lucille Ball.

“The years between fifty and seventy are the hardest. You are always being asked to do things, and yet you are not decrepit enough to turn them down.” Quote by T. S. Eliot.

So, getting older is not so great, but the alternative could be much worse. I think I will stop worrying and complaining about this body of mine and start appreciating that it’s taken me this far. And who knows, maybe when the naked old lady in the locker starts flashing, maybe I will retaliate with a flash of my own. Boo Yah!

But, really, I will never....ever, sit on those benches again! Oooh.